


Thinking of You (I Never Stop)

by DianaSkye



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (like a lot of angst), Angst, Epistolary, F/M, Grief/Mourning, implied/ambiguous infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:48:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29403633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DianaSkye/pseuds/DianaSkye
Summary: Dear Harry,I know you’re with Ginny now. And I’m with Ron. Exactly how it was always supposed to be.Though nothing’s actually how it should be, is it?Some angsty epistolary written for the My Bloody Valentine fest 2021.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21
Collections: My Bloody Valentine 2021





	Thinking of You (I Never Stop)

_Dear Harry,_

_I miss you._

_Love,_

_Hermione_

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_It’s been way too long since I’ve seen you._

_Work is mad. Ron is driving me nuts. (What else is new?)_

_Hogwarts isn’t the same without you here. I love being a teacher, though I’m sure you’re not surprised that the research is my favourite part. You never took runes, so you might not understand it all, but I honestly think you’d be interested in the breakthrough I just had._

_I’ll tell you about it next time I’m in Godric’s Hollow. Which I hope will be soon._

_Thinking of you (I never stop),_

_Hermione_

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_Do you remember the night in the tent? (I’ll be very offended if you don’t.)_

_I caught two students sneaking out of the room of requirement on patrol the other night. Rather disheveled looking. But they were so happy, I couldn’t stand to give them detention for being out after hours. (The fact that they were Gryffindors had nothing to do with my leniency and I’m offended by the insinuation.)_

_I miss being that age sometimes. Everything is new, everything is exciting. Though we had a rather more exciting youth than most._

_I suppose having your first time with your best friend would still be exciting even if the worst that could happen was getting caught by a teacher, rather than attacked by Death Eaters._

_Loving you and missing you,_

_Hermione_

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_I know you’re with Ginny now._

_And I’m with Ron. Exactly how it was always supposed to be._

_Though nothing’s actually how it should be, is it?_

_Hermione_

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_I thought about you while I touched myself last night. I was remembering the last time we were together and what it felt like to have your lips on my skin. How good you smelled, how perfectly you fit inside me, the look on your face when you…you know._

_I can just imagine you blushing reading these words. (My sweet Harry, so brave when facing Voldemort, so scared when talking about sex.)_

_It seemed so vivid when I was imagining it. Like you were there with me._

_Maybe it’s shameful, but it was so very nice. It gets lonely up in the castle, especially when Ron’s not around, like he wasn’t last night._

_But it’s lonely when he’s here, too. Because you’re not._

_Ron will be back tonight. I’ll try not to think of you when we make love, which I’m sure he’ll want to do. No promises though._

_Shamefully yours,_

_Hermione_

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_Can you believe they’re talking about that ridiculous tournament again? After everything that happened last time?_

_Don’t they remember that Cedric Diggory died? And Voldemort came back?_

_I know you’ve heard me rant about this one thousand times before. But you’ll just have to deal with hearing it one more time. Shall I make a list?_  
_\- It drove you and Ron apart. (Despite everything, I still can’t stand to think about you two not getting along.)_  
_\- I got kidnapped and put into a coma at the bottom of the lake for Viktor bleeding Krum to rescue._  
_\- It encouraged students to gamble._  
_\- They had the ball on Christmas day itself so that no one could go home to their families. _  
_\- They tortured poor mother dragons who were just trying to protect their eggs._  
_\- All the champions could have died. One did._

_I don’t understand how anyone could forget that. I will never forget when you came back and weren’t moving at first and then they said someone was dead and I thought it was you. It was the worst I’d ever felt. (Up until that point, of course. It turned out not to be the only time I had to think what it would be like if you died.)_

_I don’t want to think about it anymore. Maybe I’ll remind McGonagall that they’d have to cancel quidditch again??_

_Always missing you,_

_Hermione_

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_Ron and I had the biggest row last night._

_Yes, I know we fight all the time. This was different._

_Well, not really. We’ve had this same fight before. You know the one. The babies one. We’ll probably keep having it for years._

_It was easier to fight with him when we were kids. Lower stakes, yes. But easier because we had you, too. You were always the middle ground, the connecting dot._

_I just want to run to my best friend. That’s not as easy as it used to be. I guess writing will have to do for now. I hope I can come see you soon._

_All my love,_

_Hermione_

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_Do you ever feel like you’re chasing something that doesn’t exist?_

_We spent so long chasing things. Me even more than you and Ron, I think. I just couldn’t help myself. It wasn’t enough to solve mysteries and find horcruxes - I had to have perfect grades and save all the house elves and make teachers like me and make my parents proud and it was never enough. I was never enough._

_Sometimes I think I’m over it. That I’m settled down and comfortable and can finally accept that I am good enough. _

_But maybe I’m just chasing something else. Chasing new discoveries when I should be focused on teaching. Chasing you when I should be focused on my marriage._

_I wonder if I’ll always be chasing something. Maybe if I actually knew what it was, I could finally catch it._

_Contemplatively yours,_

_Hermione_

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_It’s been so long. I miss you so much. I love you so much. I don’t think I’ll ever stop._

_Hermione_

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_Well, the fight’s settled. I’m pregnant._

_You were probably expecting a more momentous announcement._

_You know better than anyone that I never wanted children. Or I never thought I did. But now that it’s happening… I think I’m okay. Excited even. I keep imagining what they’ll look like. God, could you imagine if it has my hair, but red? Poor child._

_Which means that Ron was right, damn him. Turns out the boy actually knows me._

_I’ll tell you more about it when I come to Godric’s Hollow in a couple weeks._

_Excited for new beginnings,_

_Hermione_

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_Perhaps my last letter was insensitive. I was writing to you as my friend, not as…whatever else we are or were._

_As you might expect, Ron doesn’t know I write to you or that I visit without him. With the baby coming, I’ll have to stop. You understand, I know, even if you don’t like it._

_I’m still happy about the pregnancy, but I’m starting to wonder if the excitement is just another form of the ever-present chase. Do I want a baby because I want to take care of a baby? Or because I want to prove myself at motherhood?_

_I suppose I’m being self-involved again._

_I’ll talk to you tomorrow,_

_Hermione_

* * *

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Harry,” Hermione said, clutching a bouquet of roses.

It was snowing in Godric’s Hollow, the sharpness of the February chill biting straight to her bones.

“It’s so good to talk to you,” she said, as tears formed in the corners of her eyes. “It’s been so, so long.”

She pulled a packet of letters from her pocket and placed them against the headstone.

“I wrote to you,” she said. “A bunch of nonsense, really. But I brought you the letters. And I have some flowers for Ginny.”

She lay the bouquet on the grave next to Harry’s, and looked down the row at all the graves belonging to the victims of the battle of Hogwarts.

“I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. In all kinds of ways and at all hours of the night,” she continued, laughing a little through her tears as she knelt in the snow and rested her head against his headstone. “I’m still in love with you, you know. I never got over it. It doesn’t matter how much I love Ron, or how much I’ll love this baby. You’re still my best friend.”

She stayed on her knees for a while, quietly letting the cold and wet seep through her clothes until she was shivering and the sky was beginning to darken. As she stood to leave, she brushed her lips briefly over the top of the headstone.

“I will always love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! And thanks to the mods for running this fun event!
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr.](https://diana-skye.tumblr.com/)


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